You’re Caught Outside Without Your Keys—7 Stages Of Grief

So you’ve forgotten your keys inside your San Francisco apartment—happens to the best of us.

Though your roommates aren’t home, unable to let you in, your friends aren’t picking up their texts and you don’t have neighbors. C’est La Vie. But if you’re ample enough to stay outside and bear the fruit of desolation, these thoughts and actions may race through your head. Tried and tested.

Looking Up At The Stars

When you’re trying to find the milky way, your stars in Libra, or just to count them. This may be the way to waste time—sadly, it’s not. Though this is the first stage of knowing your trapped outside. You begin to convince yourself that your roommates or neighbors will be home anytime soon to let you in, it’ll be at tops 15 minutes. It’s a busy apartment complex after all.


Get Your Cry On

Because, if, or and of being caught outside with no key—you may start to see tears roll down your face. You channel in all of your doubts, worries, and fears and personify them through the loss of your keys. A sad moment indeed. But a good moment nonetheless to get out the waterworks from your facial glands. Crying may also double in heating your face to keep warm, just may.


Spam Your Friend’s DMs.

Well you don’t want to wait all night, you’ve gotten the cries out and now it’s time to look for a couch to crash on. If you’re lucky at this state, you’ll get to hang out on a comfy couch and bonus points: drink Merlot. Though at this stage, it could be possible that no one responds. Be prepared to have friends that even though they’re glued to their screens, just miss your S.O.S signals Batman.


Ciesta Time

We don’t recommend this if you live in the downtown or Nob Hill area—better for our Sunset and Richmond district readers. Grab the bunches of hair, scarf or mittens and snuggle into a little nap. Stage 4 is for the daring. Not for the faint of heart.


Locked Out Happy Feet

And if you don’t want to wait BUT you don’t want to go far, take a walk Samantha. Your feet and body will want the workout. You could also take up some tap dancing and get down on the sidewalk of your apartment. Stage 5 is encouraging you to use your energy, dance on.


Meditate The Brain Cells

So sleep, dancing, or walking is out of the question—take a moment to look deep in yourself and do some meditation / self-reflection. Think about the world around you, how small you are in the grand scheme of things, create a healing chant. You may need to channel your brain power to help you remember your fucking keys. This has happened too many times and it’s time you self-reflected.


…Last Call

Ok, you’re getting desperate. Maybe it’s time to break out your handy dandy dating apps and start to search for hookups that elicit a bed? I mean, you’ve done worse things rights? So command the last 10% of your battery and use it for good. And if this step results in a date—better yet.

Though we hope you don’t every get caught outside without your keys—we hope you utilize one of these… nonconventional steps to combat your forgetfulness. After all, you did forget your keys.

// Illustrations by Anthony Rogers

You’re Caught Outside Without Your Keys—7 Stages Of Grief
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